Fate or Coincidence

December 15, 2000

Summer ended, and school had finally begun. Many kids were very depressed, and like many others, I felt the same way. No more camping, or even going to the beach and building sand castles. Now was the time to get ready for school. Watching T.V. didn't help me at all since K-Mart and Target commercials kept saying, "Welcome back to school." It reminded me that summer was really over. I guess I was still in denial, and I didn't expect that summer would end so soon. 

August 31, 1990, Noble Elementary School, first day of school. The sun was shining, and there was not even a single cloud in the sky. It was not hot at all; the temperature was perfect, 80 degrees. It was a perfect picture until the bell rang and everybody had to go to their classes. I was miserable. I didn't make any new friends, and I felt left out. Out of nowhere, a boy walked up to me and talked like it was nobody's business. He made me laugh and that made me feel so much better. My personality opened up, and I made many new friends. Without him, I would still be quiet, and nobody would talk to me. I can never forget that moment that he smiled and introduced his name. "My name is Duke Ha, and what is your name?" he asked. Sincerely I answered him. We became good buddies from that time on. We sat next to each other in class and helped each other with many problems. 

Every single break and lunch time, he would always come over and say, "Hi!" I felt something was happening, more than just friends. Every time we saw each other, Duke always teased me. Everyone in school started making fun of me - that I was his sweetheart. It didn't bother me at all because deep down, I knew that we were just friends, but I liked them to call me Duke's sweetheart.

February 14, 1990, Valentine's Day. I received many cards. All of a sudden, Duke came up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that he had a crush on me. I blushed and remained embarrassed all school year. We never talked since then. Maybe it was happening too quickly and I couldn't handle it, or maybe it scared me. At the end of the school year, a friend of mine told me that Duke moved to San Diego. Then, I realized that I missed him a lot. Maybe I liked him too, but I didn't want to admit it. We lost contact from that day on. 

Life went on for me. I went to Independence High School and met Tony Chau. We were high school sweethearts. Everything went well until I took a computer class in my senior year. The teacher required me to use the Internet. My rich godfather went out and got me a computer of my own. I was so excited, and I became used to computers and typing right away. 

I used the Internet all the time to do my homework. It could also bring pleasant times, too. I went on a site called V.N. Chat, and one day I decided to go into a chat room. Many people on this site have weird nicknames. I still remember that I chatted with someone by the name of Viper, and another one was Die4Love. I never thought of dating anyone online at all. 

I went on this site almost everyday. Everytime, I used a different nickname. But on this particular day, my nickname was Carol. I was chatting with a lot of different people, and one person requested to chat with me. The nickname was CA_Talk2Me. I thought it was strange and so, like many others, I decided to have fun and chat. Other people that I chatted with seemed to be boring, so I logged them off. The only one left was CA_Talk2Me. He asked how old I was, and I lied and said that I was 20, but actually I was 19. He told me that he was calling from San Diego, and that he was 20, too. He went on and on. 

At that time, everything to me on the internet was a big lie. Well, that was the fun part of it. I told him that I was from San Jose, and he said that he used to live there. We continued our friendly conversation. As it went on, CA_Talk2Me said that he used to go to Noble Elementary. I thought that he was lying. I didn't believe any words he said. I told him that I wanted to get to know him, to be his friend, and that he should tell the truth and nothing but the truth. He agreed and said that the whole time he was chatting with me, he was telling the truth.

Our conversation went on for four hours. I told him that I went to Noble Elementary, too. He was so excited and asked my real name. I told him. He said, "Guess what?" 

All I said, "What?". 

 He said his real name was Duke Ha, and at the end of the fourth grade year, he moved to San Diego. I was shocked and couldn't believe this was happening. In my mind I told myself, "This is fate." There are hundreds of people on this chat line, and here we were chatting with each other. Think about it; it had been eight years earlier! 

Duke told me that back then he had a huge crush on me. I pretended that I didn't know it. I asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said no. He also asked me, but I lied and said I didn't have one either, but actually I did have one. I don't know why I didn't tell him the truth.

Duke and I exchanged our phone numbers and continually talked to each other every day. We became closer, and I began to have feelings for him. It just happened, and I couldn't help myself. We got along no matter what we talked about. To me, he was everything that I wanted. His smile made my days. Three months later, Duke and I were together. I was worried that a long-distance relationship would not work out, but still, Duke made me feel happier than Tony could ever do. There was nothing in my mind except Duke. This situation went on for about six months. I felt really guilty that in my heart I had cheated on Tony. I didn't want to hurt either one of them. I cared for them both, but I knew I couldn't have both. 

Tony noticed that I had changed, but he didn't want to admit that I didn't love him anymore. The whole time that I talked to Duke, Tony was very frustrated, even though he didn't know what was going on. I loved Tony with all of my heart, but he made so many mistakes that hurt me a lot, so my love became less as the days went by. I hated him. I always wanted to leave him, but I wasn't strong enough until I met Duke. Duke made me feel special, and he gave me the feeling of being wanted. But, on the other hand, Tony didn't appreciate me when I was around him. Now that I wanted to get out of the relationship, Tony began to change, but that didn't help me change my mind about him at all. I knew that I had to tell him that I didn't love him anymore, but I just couldn't.

After we graduated from high school, Tony asked me to get married. I was shocked, but that is not all. On the same night, Duke wanted me to get engaged. I didn't know what to say to both of them. I was torn between two lovers, feeling blue. Loving both of them was breaking all the rules. Tony would always be on my mind because he was my first love, but I got along with Duke better than Tony. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what to say to both of them. Sometimes I thought it was better being alone. You could do what ever you wanted, with no worries at all. It was easier to say than to do. 

Duke wanted to move to San Jose in March to live with me, but I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if Duke and I would get along in life or not. I was afraid of being in love. I had reached my final decision. I would find the right time to tell Tony. One day, Tony called up, and I told him that things hadn't worked out between he and I and that he should look for someone else. He was very unhappy. He didn't accept what I had told him. After we talked, Tony got in a car accident. I was very worried that I was going to lose him. That made me feel even worse, thinking that it was my fault. But if I married someone just because I felt sorry for that person, it would be not right. I would rather hurt him now than later in the relationship. The sooner the better. 

During this time, my godfather was always there for me. He felt that it was better if I stayed single until I finished college. I could see his point of view because, in college, I would meet a lot of new people. And who knows if Duke was going to be the one for me? In college, I did meet lots of people, but it was so hard to choose since there were so many people. I was stuck with Tony and Duke. I didn't think I could handle any more men! 

Tony finally accepted that I no longer belonged to him. I was happy that he was doing okay. I will never forget the time that I spent with him. As for Duke and I, we have had a new beginning. He will move here in March, and we will just date each other. But at least we made a compromise that we both could see other people. Now I feel free as a bird flying in the sky. I haven't felt this freedom in a long time.